Put Your Wife First

One thing I have learned the hard way is how important it is to put your wife first. As men, we often focus on paying the bills assuming everything is okay in our relationship when it is not. We take our wives for granted, focus on our needs, and fail to listen to what they are saying. Although communication is the key to a successful and happy marriage along with other steps, positive, balanced, and open–honest communication is often missing.

Why? Because we do not listen to their needs. Okay, as I shared, I am not a therapist and these are my experiences and nothing more. Moreover, I have done considerable information gathering, read research studies, and spoken with a therapist about what I am sharing. For our marriage to be successful, we need to not only listen to what they are saying but actively try to understand. Importantly, we must ensure the focus on problems is not on them, but us.

When we have opportunities for improvement–whatever they may be, our marriage or relationship will never be right if we do not address our own issues. As such, your wife or significant other will never be happy with us if we do not first address our own problems. One reason I started this blog is to share what I am learning during a most challenging season in life. Although, I will not discuss everything personal or tell every story, certainly not mentioning my wife or reducing anonymity, I will discuss my growth journey and hope to serve as a testimony for others experiencing the same.

Unfortunately, along the way, I learned that my actions and inactions were putting a strain on our marriage and she eventually filed for divorce. Since then, we have had some good conversation sharing thoughts and experiences that got us here. If only I had listened before and took action, perhaps we would not be here today. Hopefully, and I am hopeful, with time and communication, we can reconnect and continue spending life together as a couple with better times. As a man in this situation, I am sure you are feeling the same. Do I have all the answers? No! I can only share my thoughts, experiences, and feelings plus what I learn from others who do this for a living. We love our wives, often with everything we have but may not understand how to show it.

It is not always about sending flowers, opening the door, or cleaning house (although these are important), but more about other actions. This may include active listening, changing when they share a concern. For example, if you become frustrated with the relationship or some individual issue, instead of taking up drinking or other poor decisions, ask your spouse to sit with you in a safe environment and share her concerns. But when she does, you must take action and address them to get better instead of continuing with a cycle that fixes nothing.

Here are some opportunities I have noted:

1. Do not make large purchases without her input. You may want something but if she counters X reason not to buy it, then do not. This one will get you in trouble big time, especially if she manages the bills and has a plan to make the future better. If you do not agree as a couple, then do not act. Wait. There may be a better time or not. Just listen and wait. It is okay and there will be another day. If you do not, there may not. Whew! Listen and wait.
2. Do not use negative words or say things in anger you may regret and cannot take back. Do not! As humans, we all do and say things when upset–especially when angry, but you truly cannot take these things back and they hurt her. For example, you may be unhappy with the situation and circumstances, but getting upset, saying negative things when drinking alcohol–such as “I wish I was a better man and would just pack up and move somewhere and get a divorce” is never good. If you are going to drink (think about this one first because it is not good), avoid doing so when upset, depressed, or not in the right mind because you will say things that are inappropriate and cannot be forgiven easily. They are only going to listen to so much before taking action.
3. Change the game plan! As couples, it is easy to get wrapped up in a routine, such as work, coming home then eating out a few nights a week, shopping, and then watching television. Take her somewhere! Do something different. Go to a play, find a cruise somewhere, watch a movie together at a theater, take her to ballet or a musical–something that you have never done before or seldom do to change things. You never know, you may enjoy them plus, well, they are different.
4. If she tells you that she does not enjoy something, listen. For example, if you travel to a nearby city, town, or national park, go hiking, and then want to eat, if she does not enjoy watching you drink beer at the local brewery/restaurant, then do not force her. Moreover, do not get upset about it! Stay positive and find something she wants to do. She may just want to go home and chill and if this is the case, do not pressure her to do want you want. Put your wife first!
5. Earlier, I discussed flowers and cleaning the house. Do it! She often works outside the home and sometimes 10-12 hours per day, so the last thing she wants to come home and do is pick up after you and clean the house. Do this for her! Clean the house, learn how to put the dishes away in the dishwasher the way she wants. Learn how she wants the clothes washed–not how you want them. She has a methodology and as partners, learning and doing is important. Put her first!
6. Clean her vehicle, make the bed, clean the tub/shower, go shopping with her list so she does have to. If she says “I hate shopping at X store” then do it for her. Put her first. Pick up her meds at the pharmacy–anything to make her life easier and less stressful.
7. Do not fuss when she wants to spend time with friends or family. Often, this is a great way for your wife to get away and think about herself and not you so much. She needs time to focus on her wants and needs, and time with co-workers at dinners, conferences, or events is not only a good way for her to do this but to stay connected. You know in the work environment, these connections are important.
8. DO NOT make her feel as if another woman is more important! DO NOT! Although it may be innocent, if your wife tells you she does not like you texting, emailing, calling, or spending time with someone of the opposite sex, then do not. Stop it! Again, you may not have any intention of violating your vows, but before you know it, these connections can turn into something emotional even if you have no plans for them to be. Man up! If it makes your wife uncomfortable, do not do it. Period. She must be the most important thing in your life. All the way. Period.
9. To something together. Okay, I mentioned plays and so forth, but what about church, a hobby, or religion? Faith–especially what is shared, is a great way to stay connected and moving forward. Often, we do not agree on a church or something, but if you are putting your wife first, then put her first. If she wants to go to X church, then stop fighting it and go with her. She does not want to be alone on the journey and when you are connected between love and something you enjoy–whatever it may be, just go.

Some folks–including therapist may disagree with my experiences and thoughts, and this is okay. But these are things–hard lessons, that I am learning and whatever you do, it cannot hurt to put your wife first. They need to be first in your life and you need to put them first, so just do it. Put your wife first and learn how to do so if you are not already. Practice doing so. This may take baby steps and baby steps are often required to change, but you have to start somewhere.

This will hopefully also serve as a healing process while I work to make me better and reconnect with my wife. If you have experiences to share, please consider doing so but always be respectful along the way. As with Reddit and other sites, this may be a good way for us to make things better and become a better man.

Thanks for reading. Now, go make yourself better.